A man was looking in a pitch black dark room. It was darker than the darkest night. He could feel a rough straight surface in the middle of the room. He believed it to be his rough red wool coat on his dining room table. It was very warm, but that was not what he was looking for. He was a business man in New York city, his name is Jerry Long. Jerry was looking for a flashlight because the lights in his house went out and he had very few windows because it was a old house, but that wouldn't have mattered because it was at night and his shades were up. Jerry lived alone in a bad neighborhood in New York, he heard gunshots every night and saw people being mugged every day of the week. Jerry had slipped over a wooden stub from the kitchen table he landed in a thick dense liquid, he was scared for he had no idea what it was so his heart started racing and a shiver went up his back, his head had a big bump on it it was throbbing very fast.
Jerry got up quickly for he was thinking that something very bad was going on, he then checked the door it was bolted shut and he could not get out he screamed for he saw a metallic object the size of a Knife in the corner and a pair red gleaming eyes he immediately started to run he fell over a couch and looked up he saw the blade. He quickly had to roll he grabbed a lamp and hit the man over the head he had just enough thought in him to grab the knife then he left that area. Jerry had now been accustomed to the light enough to find a good hiding spot, and he was able to see the kitchen their was definitely a body laying their. He knew he was now in horror, his arm was shivering, his heart was beating, his legs were shaking, and he had a feeling that he very well could die.
Jerry could see a shadowy figure pacing back and forth looking for his pray, he had a mask on and had a gun. Jerry knew the only way he would survive is if he went to his safe under his bed, grab his gun and shoot the murderer. He had to grow some balls and do this task or he won't be able to go to his crappy job in the morning and listen to his boss yell at him which he is hoping for this moment. Jerry had got up in a swift motion sprinting to his bedroom. The shadowy figure shot at Jerry hitting him in the leg but Jerry was safe for now. His leg was gushing out blood but he had felt no pain for he was in shock. He soon got over it, he went over to his bathroom and then wrapped up his leg. Jerry went under his bed and open his safe and picked up his .357 Magnum Revolver and loaded it then he kicked open the door and jumped behind his couch he could not see the figure then he popped out of the closet and was shot in a swift motion two to the chest and one to the head the murderer was down in an instant dead.
He found his flash light in a corner of the room it. He turned it on and looked at the man that lay dead and the other victim. The victim is a Caucasian female with two stab wounds in the chest she was leaking blood. The Police soon showed up with an ambulance Jerry was immediately brought to an emergency room because he lost a lot of blood. Jerry soon realized he had seen the murderer before he was a co worker that had not really liked Jerry. Jerry never woke again for he had lost so much blood that he died. Jerry was later put i n the obituary section of the local newspaper. He was considered a hero by the Captain of the Police.
The End
So the ACTION is described very specifically...good job there. But that's not quite the same thing as sensory detail...In fact, there's very little detail that really puts the reader right into Jerry's perspective. There's the shiver that goes up his back, and legs shaking...but those are about it as far as the SENSORY DETAIL is concerned. Am I making the difference clear here?
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong; I dig the story and the degree of specificity with which you describe the chaotic action is quite impressive. :)